Sometimes the most meaningful shifts in health don’t begin with a new supplement or a perfect diet. One of my most profound changes didn’t start in the kitchen or the gym at all. I realized that how I was showing up in my relationships, parenting, and even my work at Wellness Mama was sometimes doing myself and others a disservice.
This awareness didn’t come all at once, and it certainly didn’t come easily. In fact, it came with a lot of humility and, at times, a surprising amount of grief. But with the hard realizations also came clarity. The self-reflection helped give me a new lens to understand not only my past choices, but how I want to show up going forward.
At the center of that shift is something called the drama triangle. I’ll explain what I mean by that, and how it’s helped me to understand and make better relationship choices. I hope that something in this message will resonate with you and give you a fresh perspective, like it did me. Not only has this framework helped me have healthier relationships with those around me, but also with myself.
What Is the Drama Triangle?
The drama triangle is a framework that describes three common roles people tend to rotate through in relationships. These include the victim, the perpetrator (or persecutor), and the savior (or rescuer). What struck me most as I learned about this concept isn’t just that these roles exist, but how easily (and often unconsciously) we move between them.
I used to think of these roles as fixed identities. That someone was a victim, or was controlling, or was overly helpful. However, I’ve come to understand that these aren’t static labels. They’re patterns of behavior and language we step into, sometimes multiple times a day.
And if I’m being honest, I could find examples of myself in all three.
The Victim Role: When Power Feels Outside of Us
For me, the victim role showed up most clearly during my struggle with Hashimoto’s. I remember how strongly I identified with being “sick.” That identity shaped not only how I felt, but how I spoke, to myself and to others.
My language at the time reflected this mindset in subtle but powerful ways. I often found myself saying things like “I have Hashimoto’s,” or “My body hates me.” I believed that if I could just find the right doctor or protocol, everything would change. At the time, this felt logical and even proactive.
Of course, I wanted answers and healing. But what I didn’t realize was how much I was placing the power for that healing outside of myself. I was outsourcing my agency to something external that I hoped would fix what I believed was broken.
The Perpetrator Role: When Control Creeps In
While I didn’t think of myself in the perpetrator role, I can now see how often I stepped into that role. Especially when I felt frustrated or overwhelmed.
For me, this often looked like wanting to “fight” something outside of myself. Sometimes that was big food, big pharma, government systems, or another perceived external problem. It also showed up in my language, especially in moments of stress, when phrases like “you should” or “why can’t you just…” would surface. Underneath that language was often a sense of urgency, a need for things to be done a certain way. I had a desire to be right or to correct what I perceived as wrong.
There’s often a subtle (or not so subtle) energy of control here. A belief that if others would just do things the “right” way, things would improve. And while it can feel justified in the moment, I’ve come to see how this role can create distance and disconnect us from empathy and curiosity.
The Sneaky Role I Lived In the Most
If I’m being completely honest, the role I lived in the longest, and the one that felt the most “right” at the time, was the savior.
The Savior Role: When Helping Isn’t Actually Helpful
This one is tricky because it often looks kind, sounds helpful, and even feels good in the moment. For me, it showed up as a constant tendency to offer advice, often without being asked. I liked to jump in quickly to fix problems before they even had a chance to unfold. I took on responsibilities that weren’t necessarily mine and said yes to things even when my body was signaling no.
In parenting, this meant stepping in to solve problems for my kids instead of allowing them to work through challenges. In work, it looked like micromanaging or over-functioning, believing I was helping while unintentionally limiting others’ growth. Then getting upset when I felt others weren’t pulling their weight. In relationships, it often meant carrying emotional burdens that weren’t mine to hold.
Beneath all of this was a belief I didn’t consciously recognize at the time. That if I could just help enough, fix enough, or do enough, everything would feel stable and okay. Over time, that pattern led not only to burnout and resentment but also to a subtle form of disconnection, from others and from myself.
How These Roles Keep Each Other Alive
One of the most eye-opening realizations for me was that these roles don’t exist in isolation. They actually depend on each other in a kind of ongoing loop.
Without a rescuer stepping in, the dynamic between victim and perpetrator might naturally resolve more quickly. But when someone enters as the savior, trying to help, fix, or ease discomfort, it can unintentionally prolong the cycle. This can remove the opportunity for growth or resolution.
I began to see this pattern reflected across different areas of my life. In parenting, for example, when one of my children expressed frustration or struggled with something, I often stepped in immediately to solve it. While this brought short-term relief, it also meant they didn’t always get the chance to build the skills they needed to navigate those challenges themselves. Then the same frustrations would resurface again and the cycle repeats.
In relationships, I noticed a similar rhythm. One person might feel overwhelmed or exhausted, which would prompt the other to step in and take on more responsibility. Over time, this imbalance could lead to burnout and resentment, eventually shifting into criticism or blame, and then the roles would reverse again.
Even in my work, I could see how my desire to help sometimes led me to step in too quickly. I would identify a need, take action, and then feel frustrated when others didn’t step up. All without recognizing that I hadn’t created the space for them to do so. In each of these scenarios, what seemed like a helpful intervention was often part of what kept the cycle going.
The Moment That Changed Everything
About a year ago, I had an experience that I still find difficult to fully put into words. It was one of those moments that felt both deeply personal and profoundly clarifying. I became aware (viscerally aware) of the times I had given advice without being asked.
Not just aware in a cognitive sense, but almost as if I could feel the impact of those moments. Times when I thought I was helping, but may have actually taken away someone’s autonomy or interrupted their process. There’s no other way to describe it except to say it was painful.
And from that experience came something I now think of as the law of request.
The Law of Request: A New Way of Showing Up
At its core, the law of request is simple: Help lands best when it’s invited.
That doesn’t mean we never share, support, or offer ideas. However, it does mean we pause long enough to ask whether what we’re about to offer has actually been requested. Whether we’re sharing for the other person’s benefit or to relieve our own discomfort. If we’re honoring the other person’s agency in the process.
What This Changed for Me
This realization has shifted how I show up in almost every area of my life.
Instead of immediately offering solutions, I now try to pause and ask questions that create space rather than close it. I might ask whether someone wants ideas or simply someone to listen. I make an effort to pause before responding, to seek consent before sharing advice, and to trust that others are capable of navigating their own path. I realized that I can’t assume I know what’s best for another person, that I know their body and their situation better than they do.
This shift has been especially meaningful in parenting. Rather than jumping in to fix, I practice asking my kids what they’ve already tried, what they think might help, or how I can support them in a way that feels most helpful to them. And while it isn’t always easy, especially when it’s someone you love who is struggling, I’ve noticed that when I step back, they often step forward in ways that surprise me.
Language Shifts That Make a Difference
One of the most practical ways I’ve been working to step out of the drama triangle is by shifting my language. This means both internally and externally. Our thoughts and ideas shape our language, and vice versa. If we want to change our feelings and behaviors, it starts with changing our language.
From Identity to Experience
Instead of framing things as fixed identity statements like “I am anxious,” I’ve been practicing language that reflects temporary experience. As in, “I feel anxiety right now.” This subtle shift creates space between who I am and what I’m experiencing, reminding me that feelings can move and change rather than define me.
From “Should” to Choice
The word should used to appear frequently in my thoughts and conversations, often without me even noticing. Now, I see it as a signal to pause and reframe. Rather than saying “you should try this,” I might instead ask if someone would be open to an idea. This keeps the focus on choice rather than control.
From Fixing to Witnessing
This has been one of the most meaningful shifts for me. Instead of jumping in with solutions or advice, I’ve been practicing simply being present. That might look like offering a listening ear, asking a thoughtful question, or sometimes saying nothing at all and allowing space for someone else’s experience to unfold without interruption.
Learning to Repair (Instead of Being Perfect)
As I’ve become more aware of these patterns, I’ve also realized how many times in the past I showed up in ways that weren’t aligned with how I want to live now. And while I can’t change those moments, I can acknowledge them.
I’ve found it helpful to practice simple repair language in real time, especially when I notice myself slipping into old patterns. This might look like acknowledging that I jumped into fixing and apologizing for it, then asking whether the other person wants support or space. Other times, it’s as simple as asking how I can best show up for someone in that moment. There’s something deeply grounding about naming what’s happening without trying to justify it. It creates an opportunity to reconnect in a more intentional way.
Stepping Off the Drama Triangle in Everyday Life
This isn’t about becoming a completely different person overnight. It’s about noticing and becoming more aware.
Noticing when I slip into patterns of feeling powerless and gently returning to a sense of agency. Noticing when I feel the urge to control or correct and stepping into curiosity instead. Noticing when I want to fix or rescue and pausing long enough to ask for consent.
Some of the practices that have supported me in this are surprisingly simple, though not always easy. Taking a few deep breaths before responding in moments of tension has been powerful. Allowing a few extra seconds of silence before speaking often creates space for deeper understanding. Choosing to ask questions instead of offering immediate solutions has shifted the tone of many interactions. And perhaps most challenging of all, learning to sit with silence (even when it feels uncomfortable) has helped me hear what I used to miss.
These are small shifts, but over time, they’ve begun to change the way I experience relationships and the way I show up within them.
A Personal Reflection and Moving Forward
As I’ve reflected on this journey, I can clearly see the ways I’ve shown up in each of these roles over the years. I can see how my own fears, experiences, and intentions shaped the way I communicated, especially in my earlier writing.
There were times I wrote from fear and had negative messaging. Times I overstepped in trying to help, and times I assumed I knew what was best for others.
And for those moments, I feel a deep sense of responsibility. I’m forever grateful for all of you who have read my articles, tried my recipes, and listened to the podcast. You’ve willingly allowed me into your home and life and often sought my opinion. I don’t take that responsibility lightly.
That said, my intention going forward is to not make assumptions and instead approach Wellness Mama from a sense of gratitude and positivity. More personal experience and fewer prescriptions of “you should” or “you have to.” To look at the positive changes we can make, and focus less on the “bad guys.”
Final Thoughts
Stepping off the drama triangle isn’t about never feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or helpful again. It’s about becoming aware of the patterns we fall into and choosing a different way when we can.
For me, this has been less about doing more and more about doing less. Less fixing, less assuming, less controlling. More listening, noticing, and trusting. And while I’m still very much learning, I’ve found that even small shifts in awareness can create meaningful change. Not just in our relationships, but in how we experience our own lives.
What are some ways you’ve noticed these 3 roles in your life? Have you found them to be helpful or not? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!
