I used to think being triggered meant someone else was doing something wrong. Someone interrupted me, showed up late again, or spoke too loudly. My irritation felt justified. After all, the problem was clearly outside of me. Or at least that’s what I told myself.
Over time, though, I began to notice a pattern that was much harder to sit with. The things that bothered me most in other people often pointed back to something unresolved within me. Not in a neat or obvious way, and definitely not in a way I initially enjoyed examining.
Once I started paying attention, I noticed those moments of irritation became effective teachers.
“If You Spot It, You’ve Got It”
Maybe you’ve heard the phrase “if you spot it, you’ve got it.” I didn’t invent it, and I’m certainly not the first person to explore this idea. It shows up in Carl Jung’s work around the “shadow,” in modern psychology through concepts like projection. And in traditions that emphasize contemplative self-inquiry.
The idea is that strong emotional reactions to others can act like mirrors. When something really bothers us, it may be touching on something unhealed or suppressed in ourselves. That doesn’t mean we’re exactly like the other person. It doesn’t mean their behavior is acceptable or that we should tolerate harm. It simply means there’s something resonating.
This distinction matters. “If you spot it, you’ve got it” isn’t about blame or self-criticism. It’s about curiosity. It’s an invitation to look inward rather than outsourcing all discomfort to the outside world. And that shift, while uncomfortable at first, can be surprisingly freeing.
Triggers Are a Human Thing
We all have people who push our buttons. The interrupter. The know-it-all. The chronically late friend. The loud talker. The person who seems to take up all the space in the room. These reactions aren’t a personal failing but part of being human.
Our brains are wired to notice threats and negatives as a protective mechanism. Research suggests we have a strong negativity bias, meaning we’re far more likely to notice what irritates us than what delights us. While it can serve a survival purpose, it often just leaves us feeling tense and reactive.
Studies on self-reflection and emotional regulation consistently show benefits when people are willing to examine their internal responses. People who engage in self-inquiry tend to report lower stress and better emotional regulation. In other words, the work may be uncomfortable, but it’s not without payoff.
Projection and the Psychology Behind It
One useful framework for understanding this pattern is psychological projection. Projection is a defense mechanism where we attribute traits we’ve disowned or suppressed in ourselves onto someone else. Instead of saying, “I struggle with this,” we unconsciously say, “They are the problem.”
A 2001 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who denied being aggressive were more likely to see aggression in others. When we refuse to acknowledge something internally, we’re more likely to see it externally.
This doesn’t mean every annoyance is a projection. But when a reaction feels disproportionate, repetitive, or emotionally charged, it’s often worth asking why. Why this behavior? Why this person? Why this intensity?
The Mirror In Our Brains
There’s also a biological layer to this conversation. Humans have mirror neurons, which help us recognize and reflect the emotional states and behaviors of others. These neurons play a pivotal role in empathy, learning, and social connection.
Sometimes the discomfort we feel around others isn’t judgment so much as recognition. We’re seeing something familiar. Something we’ve buried, avoided, or never fully accepted. That recognition can feel threatening, especially if we’ve worked hard to suppress that trait in ourselves.
When we encounter someone openly expressing what we’ve pushed down, it can destabilize that internal balance. The irritation is less about them and more about the cost of maintaining our own internal rules.
Everyday Examples of the Mirror Effect
This shows up in subtle ways. If we’re really bothered by someone acting arrogant, it might be because we’ve suppressed our own confidence or learned that being visible wasn’t safe. If laziness triggers us, perhaps we’re overworked and resentful because we don’t allow ourselves to rest. If attention-seeking behavior irritates us, maybe there’s an unmet need for recognition we’ve never allowed ourselves to name.
Often, there’s more than one layer at play. Human behavior is rarely simple. A trigger could show both a suppressed desire and a deep fear. That complexity is why curiosity matters more than trying to come to quick conclusions.
The mirror isn’t about labeling ourselves as bad or flawed. It’s about understanding where our reactions come from and what they might be asking us to integrate.
A Personal Lesson in the Online World
I’ve spent nearly two decades working online, which still feels strange to say. I’ve lived through the early forum days, the rise of social media, and the many phases of public commentary that came with it. Over those years, my body has changed through pregnancies, health challenges, healing journeys, and seasons of stress.
Along the way, I’ve received comments that were deeply hurtful. At one point, I discovered entire online spaces dedicated to criticizing my appearance. For weeks, I replayed those words in my head and seriously considered stepping away from my work entirely.
What eventually helped wasn’t pretending those comments didn’t hurt. It was getting radically honest about why they hurt. There was an element of truth they touched on, and it mirrored insecurities I already carried. More uncomfortable still, I realized my own inner critic used similar language toward myself, and sometimes toward others in my head.
Facing that reality wasn’t easy. I realized that while I can’t control what strangers say about me on the internet, I can work on my internal dialogue. Over time, as I softened that inner voice and practiced more kindness (to myself and others), I noticed a shift. I started to see more of the positive in my own life.
The Positive Flip Side of the Mirror
This principle doesn’t only apply to negative traits. We often spot positive qualities in others because they exist within us, too. Admiration can be a mirror just as much as irritation.
When we intentionally notice generosity, courage, creativity, or kindness in others, we strengthen our ability to recognize and adopt those traits ourselves. What we practice noticing grows.
Over time, I found that training myself to see the good in others made life feel lighter. It wasn’t about ignoring reality or forcing positivity. It was about choosing where to place my attention. And that choice changed how I experienced the world.
A Simple but Powerful First Step: Pause
One of the most practical tools I’ve found is also the simplest. Stop and pause. When something triggers you, take a breath before responding. Ask what this could be showing you about yourself.
This simple question can interrupt reactive patterns. It creates space between what’s triggering us and our response in order to offer insight.
Pausing has been especially impactful as a parent. Children are incredible mirrors. They reflect our impatience, our unhealed wounds, and our unspoken expectations. Pausing allows us to meet their reality rather than defending our own.
Choosing Curiosity Over Being Right
Dr. Kelly Brogan shared a story about asking her daughters what they needed from her and what felt unhealed in their relationship. She expected glowing reviews of her job as a mom. Instead, she received honest feedback that was painful to hear.
Her instinct, like most of ours, was to defend herself, explain, and justify. Instead, she chose curiosity. She asked questions and listened. And that choice deepened the relationship with her kids rather than fracturing it.
Being right often feels safer in the moment. Being curious, though, creates connection. This applies far beyond parenting. Most conflicts soften when someone is willing to stay present with another person’s experience rather than correcting it.
The 3-2-1 Shadow Process
When a trigger feels confusing, a structured approach can help. One tool that’s been useful for me is the 3-2-1 shadow process, often attributed to Ken Wilber.
- Identify the issue in the third person. What bothers you about them? Name it clearly.
- Address it in the second person. In your mind, speak directly to the person and express what’s coming up.
- Finally, bring it into the first person. Own the trait in some way. This doesn’t mean labeling yourself harshly. It might sound like, “There’s a part of me that struggles with this,” or “I notice this pattern in myself, too.”
When the issue lives in the first person, you have the power to work with it.
Curiosity Instead of Judgment
One of my favorite reminders comes from a scene in Ted Lasso, my favorite TV show. It references the quote, “Be curious, not judgmental.” It’s a simple but profound reminder.
Judgment shuts down learning while curiosity opens it up. When we replace “I hate when people do this” with “I wonder why this affects me?” we reclaim agency. We move from reaction to reflection.
This shift doesn’t excuse harmful behavior. It simply recognizes that our peace doesn’t have to depend on others changing.
Practicing Self-Compassion Along the Way
It’s important to approach this work with self-compassion. Noticing isn’t about fixing or blaming, but about integrating.
Blame tends to create more fragmentation, while compassion allows for healing. When we stay curious and kind with ourselves, even uncomfortable truths become manageable. I’ve found journaling to be a really helpful tool for this. Here are some prompts to get you curious:
- What bothers me most in others?
- Where does this show up in me, even subtly?
- How might this trait serve me if it were integrated?
- What would it feel like to be less affected by this?
What Changes Over Time
This work hasn’t been linear or easy, but over time, it’s helped soften my reactions and bring peace. It’s increased empathy and freed up energy that used to be tied up in irritation and judgment.
When triggers become teachers, painful moments turn into guides. They point us toward parts of ourselves asking for attention, healing, or acceptance. The things we judge in others are often the things we’re still learning to hold gently within ourselves.
Final Thoughts on Triggers
The idea that triggers can be teachers isn’t meant to be dogma. It’s an invitation to get curious and as a result find more peace. For me, it’s been a powerful shift from feeling at the mercy of external circumstances to reclaiming internal agency.
“If you spot it, you’ve got it” isn’t about shame but opportunity. It’s about returning our power to ourselves and choosing curiosity over judgment, reflection over reaction.
As Rumi wrote, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” Sometimes our strongest reactions point directly to the places where growth is waiting, if we’re willing to look.
What are some triggers you’ve noticed in your life? How do you think you can turn these around and be more curious? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!
